Part Two: Helping Young Adult Grandchildren Find Their Identity in Christ
by Deb del Villar
Why Identity Feels Different for Today’s Young Adults
In Part One, we explored how many grandparents looked for identity and worth as compared to how young adult grandchildren do today. Here is a quick recap:
Why Are So Many Young Adults Struggling with Identity Today?
| Question | Many Grandparents | Young adults |
| Who tells me who I am? | Family, career, faith | Myself, peers |
| How do I know I matter? | Provider, contributor, responsible, dependable | Achievement, performance, validation |
| Where do I belong? | Civic organizations, church, family | Friend groups, online communication |
| What gives me purpose? | Duty, service, faith | Self-expression, social impact, causes |
| Greatest Fear | Failure to provide or fulfill responsibilities | Not make a difference, irrelevance, exclusion |
As you look at these differences, what concerns you most about your young adult grandchildren? More importantly, where can they find an identity that won’t change with every success or failure?
How Grandparents Found Identity Compared to Today’s Generation
From Receiving Identity to Creating Identity
A quick glance at this chart reveals something much deeper than changing cultural trends. It shows a dramatic shift in where people look for identity and worth. Identity has shifted from something that was largely received to something many young adults believe must be achieved. It may seem like a small change, but it isn’t. When your value becomes tied to what you do instead of who you are; you are building your life on shifting sand. Grandparents largely received their significance from family, faith, community and tradition. These sources of identity tend to be far more stable.
Why Performance-Based Identity Creates Anxiety
Many young adults today build their sense of significance around themselves. It is self-created, self-expressed, self-marketed and constantly presented. It’s no surprise that anxiety has become so common. When identity must continually be achieved, protected, and displayed, it can also feel as though it could be lost at any moment.
A Biblical Foundation for Lasting Significance
Significance must come from the sure foundation of truth which does not shift or change. It is the difference between building your home on sand or solid rock (Luke 6:46-49). When identity is rooted in performance, receiving the gospel of grace can be surprisingly difficult. Grace says we are loved because of what Christ has done—not because of what we accomplish. A biblical perspective will help you as you seek to help them.
For grandparents, this ongoing search for significance and increasing anxiety creates an enormous opportunity. While young adults are looking for significance in all the wrong places – places that cannot fully and eternally satisfy – you know the answer. Seek to model and teach an identity that is secure, lasting, and rooted in God’s love rather than in performance or popularity. I can remember how hard it was for me to accept the fact that a heavenly Father—One I could not see – would love me because my earthly father seemed to connect his love to my performance. He showered me with praise if I did well in school, played my trumpet flawlessly, and got along with my siblings. I grew up thinking God was the same. If I did well then I would be accepted and loved. Praise God that through godly mentors and a loving husband that all changed. I still slip back into that pattern at times and must be reminded anew. Will you be that reminder to your young adult grandchildren?
Five Truths Every Young Adult Needs to Hear
Here are some things to teach or remind me:
| Created in God’s Image | They matter because they belong to God. They are created in His image (Genesis 1:27). |
| Worth Proven at the Cross | They have immeasurable worth because Christ willingly gave His life for them (Romans 5:8). |
| Adopted into God’s Family | When they place their trust in Christ’s finished work at the cross – they are resting in His work not their performance. (Romans 3:24) |
| Resting in Christ Instead of Performance | Their sense of belonging and community comes because they are adopted into God’s family. (John 1:12) |
| Living From Identity Instead of For Identity | Their significance comes from who they are in Christ, not what they do. (2 Timothy 1:9) |
Help them to see that Scripture offers a very different answer to significance. What are some Scriptures that you could share?
Conversation Starters That Build Trust
Listening Before Speaking
Asking questions is often a great way to open the door to conversations. Notice that the goal is conversation—not condemnation or a lecture. Conversation is a two-way dialogue where listening, understanding, and exchanging of ideas, opinions, and observations are shared. Legacy Coalition has a set of Let’s Talk Cards to use with your young adult grandchildren (called the Grown-Up Grandchildren Edition). They cover topics of memories, life, faith, and relationships. Here is a sample question from the faith section: Tell me about your faith journey and where you are right now with God.
Legacy Coalition also has a set of Let’s Pray Cards. There is a section on identity that comes with a scripture to pray for yourself and your grandchild.
Questions That Encourage Honest Conversations
- Here are a couple more questions to get you started:
- What makes someone important today?
- Who is someone that you consider important today? Tell me more.
- When do you feel most valued?
- What can I do to make you feel valued? Am I doing anything to make you feel less valued?
- Who influences how you see yourself?
- How do you see yourself? Describe yourself in a couple of words.
- What makes you feel like you belong?
- If social media disappeared tomorrow, what would still define you?
- Do you struggle with feeling seen?
- What is the best way to get to know you?
- What social cause is important to you? Tell me about it.
- If you could do anything to change the world, what would it be?
Pointing Them Toward Christ
Seek to know your young adult grandchildren. Build a strong relationship with them. Be the listening ear and trusted sounding board they need as they process life’s questions, dreams, and struggles. Your steady presence may open the door for conversations that point them to Christ. Ultimately, point them to the only identity that never changes—being known and loved by God, then living to make Him known and loved by others.
Recommended Resources for Grandparents
Books
- The Anxious Generation — Jonathan Haidt
- Faith for Exiles — David Kinnaman
- Who Am I and Why Do I Matter? — Chris Morphew
- Three Big Questions That Change Every Teenager — Kara Powell, Kristel Acevedo, and Brad M. Griffin
- Three Big Questions That Shape Your Future — Kara Powell, Kristel Acevedo, and Brad M. Griffin
Christian Resources
- Axis (axis.org)
- Barna Group — Research on Gen Z, faith, and identity
- Fuller Youth Institute — Resources on faith formation
- Center for Bible Engagement — Research on spiritual practices and identity
Frequently Asked Questions About Young Adult Identity and How Grandparents Can Help
Why do so many young adults struggle with identity today?
Many young adults are trying to answer life’s biggest questions—Who am I? Do I matter? Where do I belong? —in a culture that encourages them to define themselves through achievements, relationships, social media, or personal success. While these things can provide temporary affirmation, they cannot provide lasting security. Scripture reminds us that our true identity is found in being created and loved by God.
How was identity different when today’s grandparents were growing up?
Many grandparents grew up finding identity through family, church, work, and community. While those sources were not perfect, they often provided a greater sense of stability and belonging. Today’s young adults are more likely to feel responsible for creating and maintaining their own identity, which can lead to anxiety, comparison, and fear of failure.
Why are anxiety and identity so closely connected?
When our worth depends on performance, appearance, popularity, or success, it can feel like our identity is always at risk. The Bible offers a different foundation. In Christ, our worth isn’t earned—it is received through God’s grace. That secure identity frees us from constantly striving to prove ourselves.
What does the Bible say about where our identity comes from?
Scripture teaches that every person is created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27), deeply loved by Him (Romans 5:8), and invited into His family through faith in Jesus Christ (John 1:12). Our significance comes from who we are in Christ, not from what we accomplish (2 Timothy 1:9).
How can grandparents help their young adult grandchildren find lasting significance?
One of the greatest gifts grandparents can offer is a steady relationship rooted in love and truth. Listen well. Ask thoughtful questions. Share your own faith journey. Most importantly, model a life that finds its identity in Christ rather than in accomplishments. Your example may speak even louder than your words.
What questions can grandparents ask to encourage meaningful conversations?
Open-ended questions often lead to deeper discussions than giving advice. Try asking:
- What makes someone important today?
- When do you feel most valued?
- Who has had the greatest influence on how you see yourself?
- What makes you feel like you belong?
- If social media disappeared tomorrow, what would still define you?
These questions communicate genuine interest and help you understand your grandchild’s heart.
What if my grandchild isn’t interested in talking about faith?
Don’t lose heart. Continue investing in the relationship. Pray faithfully, listen without judgment, and look for natural opportunities to share how God has worked in your own life. Remember that your consistent love and Christlike example may prepare the soil for future spiritual conversations.
Can grandparents really influence young adults?
Absolutely. Research consistently shows that caring adults continue to shape young people’s values long after childhood. Grandparents have a unique opportunity to offer unconditional love, wisdom gained through experience, and a perspective rooted in God’s unchanging truth. Never underestimate the influence of a faithful grandparent.
What resources can help grandparents better understand today’s young adults?
Books such as The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt and Faith for Exiles by David Kinnaman provide valuable insights into the challenges facing today’s generation. Organizations like Axis, Barna Group, Fuller Youth Institute, and the Center for Bible Engagement also offer research and practical resources to help grandparents engage the next generation with wisdom and grace.
What is the most important truth grandparents can pass on?
The most important message your young adult grandchildren can hear is this: Your identity is not something you achieve—it is something you receive through Jesus Christ. Because of His love and grace, they can know they are fully known, deeply loved, and called to live for His glory.
