Written by Dr. Joannie DeBrito, Family Support Specialist
In conversations with developing grandchildren, we often find them talking about sex. As their bodies change and grow, it’s normal for our grandkids to feel confused and uncomfortable at times, while also feeling new sensations that bring excitement and joy. Psalm 139:14 references these differing emotions:
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well”. (NIV)
In the Hebrew language, the word “fearfully” means that which inspires reverence and respect, so it makes sense that there would be some fear involved about sexual development, just as we fear God and things that are not fully understood.
In this blog, Dr. Joannie DeBrito will discuss some practical ways for grandparents to empower their grandchildren to seek Biblical sexuality.
God’s Design for Sexuality and Holiness
As far as we can tell, human beings have been aware of the intended privacy of sex and experimenting with sexual behaviors since the beginning of time.
God laid the foundation for holiness along with the consequences of disobedience to Him in Genesis 2:17. He told Adam not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil or face spiritual and future physical death. God was drawing a boundary in which Adam and Eve could live in peace with Him.
Prior to disobeying God by eating of the forbidden fruit, Genesis 2:25 states, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (NIV)
Shame, Sin, and the Consequences of Disobedience
After Eve disobeyed and took a bite of the fruit, Genesis 3:17 shows the immediate spiritual consequence of that sin: “The eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” (NIV)
Since the reactions of Adam and Eve to one another prior to their disobedience to God are referenced as feeling no shame, it is safe to assume that their reactions to one another after the fall were due to feeling ashamed. God had created their bodies to be enjoyed and explored by one another in the context of marriage, and since they had disobeyed God’s command about the fruit, they lived in a state of shame. Later in Genesis, we learn that this original sin by Adam and Eve brought envy, violence, and death to their family via their children, Cain and Abel.
We can probably think of examples in our own lives or the lives of loved ones that resulted in some painful consequences of sexual sins, whether related to immodesty, pornography, sex and/or pregnancy before marriage, sexual perversions, committing sexual abuse, infidelity, and abortion.
As a marriage and family therapist who has worked with many individuals and couples (Christian and non-Christian) struggling with shame, guilt, grief, loss, and regrets related to their sexual experiences, I can attest to the fact that the idea that you should practice any sexual behavior that feels good to you does not work well for most people.
It is also not true that people who practice sexual purity prior to marriage have unsatisfying sex after marriage. On the contrary, those who have refrained from anything other than acceptable forms of expressing affection, such as hugging and kissing, before marriage, report much higher levels of satisfaction in marital sex than those who have had no limits on sexual exploration prior to marriage.
Exploration and Limitations: A Biblical Framework
All pleasurable human behavior requires two things: exploration and limitations.
For example, while we are encouraged to explore a variety of foods, we must limit how much food we eat at one time, where and when we eat it, and how we consume it.
So, that hot dog eaten at the July 4th picnic is fine. Even two or three might be okay for some adults. But most people would agree that consuming dozens of hot dogs at one time is likely to make many of us very ill. (Incidentally, the current record, set in 2024, is 83 hot dogs consumed in 10 minutes!)
And that water that Jesus turned into wine? Well, a glass of wine with dinner can be fine, but drinking three bottles in an hour is going to cause significant impairment to anyone and could potentially contribute to a car accident in which the driver and others are harmed or killed.
It’s incumbent upon grandparents to be a part of teaching their grandchildren about seeking Biblical sexuality through appropriate exploration and limitations to encourage a healthy sex life in the future, free from the consequences of living without any restrictions on their sexual behavior.
A word of caution is important here, though. Remember that parents are in the primary role of parenting your grandchildren, so talk with them before you begin to disciple your grandkids in this area. Here are some practical suggestions you can discuss with your children.
Helping Grandchildren Pursue Holiness Instead of Rules
To begin with, I challenge you to recognize that if we focus first on instilling an understanding of the principle of holiness, we may not need to get “down in the weeds” and talk about numerous topics related to sexual behavior.
God has absolute moral purity, and since we are called to reflect God’s character, we should be seeking holiness. We’ll never achieve complete holiness because we are sinful creatures who live in a fallen world. God’s intent in encouraging Christlike behavior in us is not to make our lives harder and less interesting. But rather to protect us and make our lives richer and fuller because we can live our lives as we explore the beauty of the world, its inhabitants, and ourselves within boundaries that keep us from experiencing pain.
I explain this to preteen kids as a mathematical equation since they study math every day or at least on a regular basis.
- Exploration + Limitations = Steps toward holiness, freedom from guilt, and joy
- Exploration – Limitations = Steps away from holiness, guilt, and pain (even if there is some temporary joy)
Whenever I talk with young people about various sexual behaviors, I find myself saying: “The opposite of _____________ is not _______________, it’s holiness.” It works for all sexual behaviors that are likely to cause some long-term pain. So, the opposite of viewing pornography is not refraining from viewing it. That is just making a change on a behavioral level. The change needs to be made in the heart. So, a desire to be more Christlike, more holy, results in a change in one’s character and then a change in behavior, as well.
We can pray for the Triune God to bring about changes in our grandchildren’s hearts and teach them to pray for the same.
How to Teach Biblical Sexuality at Different Ages
Helping Young Children Understand Privacy and Modesty
Young children become very aware of the difference between little boys and little girls at a very young age, some as early as 18 months, and most by 3 years of age. Kids from as young as 2 to 6 years old will touch their bodies and genitals and may also touch those of their siblings. Typically, these behaviors are infrequent and represent their curiosity about the human body.
Behaviors that are described as normal may or may not be acceptable. So, with your children’s approval, you can begin to teach your grandchildren that it is ok to touch their private parts but not those of other children. This should be communicated to each child in a private, quiet, calm, and direct conversation.
Since some of this exploration happens when children bathe together, it is helpful if children from about 5-7 years old begin to bathe alone and to be naked only in private or in the presence of a trusted adult. (This may need to happen earlier if one or both children are getting into the habit of touching each other too much.) Gently setting these limits communicates a respect for privacy and the value of modesty.
Guiding Elementary-Age Children Toward Wise Choices
6–9-year-olds are often learning more about the human body in school and maybe around older siblings who are developing. Therefore, it’s important to remind older children to show modesty around their younger sisters and brothers, being careful about what they are talking about when their siblings are within earshot. Often, discussions that are appropriate for 13-year-olds are not appropriate for 8-year-olds.
Older siblings can also help you reinforce the principle of holiness that you have (hopefully) taught them. There is strength in numbers, and sometimes kids who have a close relationship with their siblings will provide accountability for one another. As you encourage them to build trusting relationships with each other, they are more likely to be comfortable talking openly about sensitive topics such as sex.
This is also a time when kids begin to learn more about the positive and negative consequences of behaviors. You can consistently affirm your grandchildren when they make choices that represent holy living in any area of life and reap the rewards of good choices. When they make poor choices that represent unholy living and suffer some painful consequences, draw them back to God’s Word.
Protecting Preteens in a Digital World
As children experience pre-adolescence, roughly from 9-12 years of age, you can begin to remind them of some of the positive and negative consequences of behavior that they have already experienced and talk to them about some likely consequences of sexually related behavior as they get older. During this time, children are often spending more time on devices and may come across a lot of sexual material that is only intended for adults. Work with their parents to establish limits on devices, block apps, games, and sites that may contain material that is not appropriate for children or teens.
You might want to ask your children if you could purchase a wonderful program for this age group that is part sex education and part education about how their minds and social relationships are changing. Launch into the Teen Years, from Focus on the Family, walks parents and kids through a video program that encourages healthy living, holiness in all areas of life, and sexual purity.
Encouraging Teens to Pursue Purity Amid Peer Pressure
The teenage years are characterized by pressure to conform to what one’s peers are doing. We know that many teens become involved sexually during these years and participate in activities such as sexting and viewing pornography, because of being exposed to these by peers and being encouraged to participate in sexual activities. Sexual story lines, images, and videos often pop up on devices randomly, even when kids aren’t looking for them, so expect them to struggle and, at times (maybe often) succumb to their curiosity.
This is a time for parents and grandparents to empathize with their teenage family members and acknowledge that the pressure and promise of new, exciting feelings and experiences can be very enticing. At the same time, teens are developing a greater capacity to be discerning, understanding complex concepts, and recognizing that there are rarely linear formulas for resolving problems. They can therefore begin to hear and understand your (and your children’s) stories of challenges you faced related to personal choices and their consequences when you were growing up.
Sharing honestly with teens – always with care not to share details that are not age-appropriate – is helpful, especially when they can hear real-life good and bad consequences that may have lasted a long time.
Teaching Forgiveness, Healing, and Restoration Through Christ
Grace and forgiveness are also qualities of Jesus Christ and aspects of divine holiness, so when your teenage grandchild discloses any sort of sexual struggle, thank them for being honest, discuss the grace, forgiveness, and healing that are available from God, and be there to provide support to help your grandchild focus on changing his or her heart to be more Christlike.
