Understanding and Responding to Transitions in Your Grandchildren (Part 1)

Written by Dr. Joannie DeBrito, Family Support Specialist

The word “transition” refers to the process of changing from one state or condition to another. In life, we all progress through a series of transitions. Some are normal and expected, while others are unexpected and may be the result of very difficult events or circumstances.

As grandparents, we have a unique opportunity to help our grandchildren cope well with transitions in their lives, while watching or being a part of the transitions they are experiencing.

In part 1 of this blog, I’m discussing normal transitions that grandchildren are likely to experience at different ages and stages, and how to respond and encourage good health and resilience.

Note: While it’s easier and preferred to have the involvement discussed in person with your grandchildren, you can still be very involved via regular and frequent virtual contacts. It takes planning, creativity, and intentionality, but it can be done very well.

Physical Needs

As children transition from infancy to young adulthood, they progress from needing a lot of physical support and touch to needing less and less. They transition from being totally dependent on others to move about to being able to move independently with little assistance and then eventually, no assistance.

Caring for a totally dependent infant can be exhausting, especially if a parent has other children. Therefore, any assistance a grandparent can provide with caring for the physical needs of a grandchild can significantly help his or her parents. Helping, however, needs to respect the requests of the parents and not be driven by the inclinations of the grandparent.

Physical touch is important for all ages, but because infants can’t do anything for themselves, physical touch occurs more often for a baby than for a young adult. Therefore, as grandparents, we need to progress from holding, cuddling, caressing, stroking, and rocking babies and young toddlers to touching in ways that support their continued development.

This means that the close touch we have with very young children progresses to snuggling and hugging often and getting down on the floor to touch our preschool grandchildren as we play with them.

As described in John 10:16, we need to follow the example of Jesus Christ and take children in our arms and love them. From there, we need to engage in active play that includes holding hands and giving pats on the back while kids 5-10 are at play, rubbing their backs while we talk with them, or stroking their heads while we help them brush their hair.

Then comes the time that is often hard for grandparents- the preteen and teen years. Children who have enthusiastically embraced us with a full-frontal hug and lots of enthusiasm begin to give more subtle side hugs. This can leave us, as grandparents, feeling as if our grandchild’s affection for us is dwindling.

Preteens and teenagers actually do this to:

1. Keep from having any contact that makes them feel awkward as their bodies are developing sexually.
2. Signal that their social circle is broadening and that the intimacy they have shared with you is now open to include more people.

So, grandparents, be generous with the side hugs. Provide a lot of verbal affirmation that communicates your love for your grandchild and recognition of his or her personal strengths. Children of all ages- but especially preteens and teens- need to hear over and over that we love them, as well as what we love and admire about them. This is because they begin to get more criticism from peers and others during this time in their lives. Grandparents have the influence to remind them of their value as sons and daughters of God and the God-given gifts they possess that make them unique.

Emotional Needs

Emotionally, people transition from being primarily emotive with no boundaries to having healthy control over their emotions. In other words, we all need to learn how, when, and where to appropriately express emotions or keep our emotions under control.

This is commonly referred to as learning emotional regulation, which is related to the last fruit of the spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:23 – self-control.

We can partner with our grandchildren to help them have patience. Start to set some reasonable boundaries with a young grandchild who is having temper tantrums. We can also be a part of helping older grandchildren learn how, where, and when to express their emotions in healthy ways by modeling that for them. Allowing them to talk openly with us about their feelings, good or bad, is a great start.

Then, we can be a part of, and even participate in, finding healthy outlets for emotions. Some of which are being physically active, doing art projects, journaling, or learning some self-soothing techniques. Praying with children is a great way to show them how prayer can calm and help them. 

Social Needs

Human beings transition socially from being completely dependent on others to being independent. Children transition from being mostly involved with just family members and good friends to spending time with peers and other trusted adults in their lives. However, some interdependence needs to continue throughout life for people to feel connected and supported.

From birth to about 10 years old, grandparents usually spend time engaging with grandchildren in a variety of ways, first at home and then at church and school events. Remember that children are keen observers, and they learn more from what they see and experience than from what we say. Therefore, when with our grandchildren either in person or virtually, we need to model good social skills.

Then the tough time comes when kids become preteens and many of us experience a so-called “relational drift”. I encourage you to read more about this here.

Part 2 of this blog will also share more about relational drift.

Cognitive Needs

As children grow, they move from needing a lot of instruction to being able to find and process information for themselves. They need substantial help along the way, so grandparents can help fill that role.

Progress from being helpful teachers to wise counselors for your grandchildren. Numerous Bible verses talk about the importance of instruction and counseling. One such verse is Proverbs 19:20,“Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.”                                                                        

We can encourage important transitions in cognitive development in our grandchildren by progressing from showing and telling to asking questions and listening. Giving advice can be helpful, but it’s important to wait to be asked for advice. Allow growing grandchildren to make mistakes as they are trying to figure things out for themselves.

Conclusion

Our encouraging responses to normal transitions in our younger family members’ lives provide a model for developing resilience to get through the expected and unexpected events in life. So keep the suggestions in this blog in mind when interacting with your grandchildren of all ages.

Part two of this blog covers difficult expected or unexpected transitions that grandchildren may encounter and how to respond in ways that encourage recovery.