Question:
We spent a lot of time with my grandsons when they were younger taking them places and making memories. They are now preteens/teens and at the age where they don’t want to do things with us or spend the weekend as they did in the past. I am grieving over it. I viewed it as an investment into their lives, but it seems the investment has not paid off. The other grandparent has swept in with money and we can’t afford that. What steps can I take to soothe the loss?
Response:
I understand your feelings of loss. However, I disagree with your conclusion. The investment you have made into their lives is incredibly important and I am sure there have been payoffs already. However, you are much more likely to see the value of that investment as they mature and grow.
Don’t think of this as the end of your relationship or investment in their lives that needs to be grieved. Instead, think of your relationship with your grandchildren as being on a brief hiatus.
During adolescence, it is healthy for preteens and teens to begin to create some distance between themselves and their parents and grandparents as they begin to put more time into relating to peers and figuring out who they are and how they fit in with their peers.
Obviously, there can be problems with peers, depending on the friends they choose but, in most cases, kids learn a great deal about managing future intimate relationships, from their successes and failures with peers.
So, during this hiatus, you might try the following, none of which require money or much money:
- Instead of taking them places to make memories, attend their events.
- Spend short periods of time with them doing something they want to do- just an hour or two every few weeks or once a month is fine.
- Continue to express your love for them.
- Keep track of your memories of this time in their lives in a book that you can present to them at a later time.
- Cultivate your relationship with their parents and collaborate with them to improve the quality of your grandchildrens’ lives.
- Show patience for their attitudes that may, at times, feel dismissive toward you or selfish. If they don’t tell you directly to stay out of their lives (which kids rarely do) stay involved but in a non-intrusive way.
- PRAY UNCEASINGLY for them. They are facing a lot of difficult issues in the world today and they desperately need the faith and persistence of praying grandparents to help them through.
- Recognize and tell them when you notice their strengths regarding their character, personalities, skills, and talents.
Having worked on a college campus for about 17 years, I can tell you that the same students who basically pushed their parents and grandparents off campus after they helped them move into their dorms; showed up in my counseling office about six weeks into the semester talking about how much they missed their mom’s hugs and their grandmother’s cooking and planning their next trip home.
Kids will drift in and out of your life during adolescence. Let them drift for a while and welcome them with open arms when they drift back. You’ll be continuing to invest in their lives and setting the stage for a healthy, fulfilling relationship in the future.
14 thoughts on “Dealing with Teenage Grandchildren’s Relational Drifting”
Hi Joannie and the.person that sent in this question,
Joanne your advise is spot on. My eldest daughter is a single Mom and she struggles with anxiety. They live several states away and every so often she will call me upset because her and my 12 year old egarding my grandson got into an argument and she thinks that she is doing something wrong as a parent or that my grandson’s father has more money than her so he can buy my grandson all the newest tech gadgets and take him on really big trips. I always tell her exactly what Joannie is saying to you, they will appreciate the time you spend with them and they may be grown and out of the house before they realize it. Two of my children have come and thanked for the time I took with them. The lavish stuff is just a phase. They will remember more than anything else is time with you, even if it is a phone call or when you are together, a nice walk outside and talking, or going to a park. Blessings to you all and your families! God bless!
I have 2 Great Grandsons that only come around when it’s a birthday or holiday, for the money present. They both drive but I never see them. Their last birthday they came over, but there was no birthday cards with money, this time. Of course their other grandparents are loaded, and they just love them.
For those of us with grandchildren in these age brackets but are long distance grandparents and cannot attend events. Do you have additional advice?
My grandchild is not a reader (by choice) nor does he like to talk on the phone or FaceTime. The thing he gets his enjoyment from is his video games. I do not know how to compete with that.
We were very close until I had to move home 3 years ago. I do pray for him, I just wish I knew what else I could do.
Hi DeeAnn, My 4 grandchildren, aged 11-16, are on their screens it seems continually. I decided if I couldn’t beat them, I’d join them. So occasionally, I sit there with them + have a play with whatever game they’re doing. Of course, I’m completely gumby compared to their dexterity, but it doesn’t matter + at least makes a little bit of interaction.
I do hope things have improved for you, I am right there now,
too—although my heretofore loving, affectionate young teen grandson lives only two blocks away; And I never see him anymore. Suddenly, after 12 years of closeness, he now says he doesn’t want to be with me, but only with his mom, who is my
daughter, and he works at avoiding me totally, and spoke rudely when I asked him to come visit one day, “just for a quick pizza lunch.”’ He also declined the invitation. .
He no longer responds to my occasional, non-controversial, brief texts. I have been regularly
caring for and lovingly generous with him his whole life, helping my single daughter raise him—and being both emotionally and financially supportive. I took him on fun, outings, we had great conversations, I praised his good work, bought all
his clothes for eight years,
baked his birthday cakes, attended all his events, made sure he got medical and dental care and paid for his braces. I bought him a new piano and have paid for lessons for six years,
He is also not interested in books—only in computer games.
Regarding my baking his next birthday cake, (as I always do), this month, I had to text him twice to grt a reply, cheerfully asking what flavor he wanted this time. Finally, after my second text, he replied, “My Mom is baking my cake.” Ouch! No
more communication from him since.
In the very brief moments this past
few months, when I have seen him for a few minutes, always with his mother, and always at a business-type situation where we have had to be together, briefly—On those occasions, he has said a couple of normal, short remarks to me, on a neutral subject, but always when standing six inches from his mom, as his shield (?). I have tried to get her help in finding out why my formerly sweet, only grandchild, has totally dropped me. But she just waved her hand and said, “He (age 13) is old enough to decide what he wants.”
So, I am not overly religious, but I do believe in God and I have to just turn this confusing, painful situation over to Him. I love and miss my grandboy
so much.
Now and then I screenshot a meaningful meme from Facebook and text it to my long-distance 15-year-old grand-daughter. It does not require an answer from her, but it is inspirational and it lets her know I’m thinking about her and loving her and keeping in touch. She knows I’m there if she needs me. A couple times she has reached out when she’s really upset and I have been able to help her.
When my long-distance 15-year-old grand-daughter started becoming distant, she would only respond to me (on video calls) with, “yes”, “no”, “uh huh”, I finally said to her: “Don’t you have ANYTHING else to say?” She responded with: “Well, Grandma, I’m sure you don’t want to hear about all the drama at school.” I responded with: “Oh, I LOOOVE drama! Tell me all about it!” She went on to talk non-stop for over an hour! Now when I call her, I don’t even need to ask her anything; she starts right in talking and can go on indefinitely until I start yawning and telling her I need to go to bed! What started out as teenage distance has turned into a delightful relationship. I have become the person in her life who has the time and interest to listen to her talk non-stop. I LOVE being that person! Yes, we can still have a special niche in their lives if we carefully seek it out. Don’t force it but don’t give up either. Find that special role you can play. Even if it’s just texting an inspirational quote now and then. When they come out of this stage, you will still be there, vivid in their memory, still an important part of their lives.
I loved reading all of this, it’s been very helpful. My grandson is 14 now. We were always close, going places, doing things, but he doesn’t seem to want to be around as much. He’s home schooled, and a homebody. He’s active in his youth group, but I worry if he has enough social activity in his life. He has a cousin he’s close to and church friends. He doesn’t play sports. When he was little he played soccer, we always supported him, but isn’t interested in playing sports. He does love fishing, and my husband has taken him, when his father lets him. His father is a control freak. Has no siblings. He seems happy, and he has a dog that he loves. I pray for him all the time, but don’t know how to get more involved in his life.
These comments are helpful very helpful to me
I’m currently going through this with my 12 year old granddaughter…one day the light switch went off and I feel she doesn’t want to be with me unless I take her somewhere and spend money…she rolls her eyes at me and gives me dirty looks..I approached my daughter about this and she basically tells me the same thing that you said and defends her. We were so close and this is very hard for me. I love the message above and I will try to wait and see what happens. It will be hard.
Somewhere else I read “living bereavement.” That struck a chord.
Intellectually, I understand that it’s natural to drift away from parents and especially grandparents during the teen years. Obviously the drift is a one way impulse. This child spent half her time with me for the first 14 years. Now. Nothing. I’d love to take some of the advise, such as number two: “Spend short periods of time with them doing something they want to do- just an hour or two every few weeks or once a month is fine.”
At the moment, I can’t even make that happen.
I miss our relationship. I’m told the indifference will pass as she matures and I believe that (mostly). But there’s also the sad recognition and acceptance that it will never be the same. How could it be? She’ll never again be an eager little girl, game for … whatever!
It was a special time in life for which I’m grateful.
All part of the great going forward, I guess.
It’s helpful to read that I’m not alone in this experience.
I understand your sadness. I started taking care of my 10 year old granddaughter since she was 4 months old for her Mom to go back to work. It has been such a blessing to have her in my life after my Mom died. I was her caregiver and when she passed I agreed right away to care for my baby granddaughter. We have made so many good memories over close to 10 years but after this school year started she abruptly began distancing herself from me. She wanted me to pick her up from school but wanted me to take her to her house not mine. I’m ok with that because at least she wanted me to pick her up, but we have little conversation on our way home. We always talked about her day and about school work. Now it’s like pulling teeth, ouch!! Very uncomfortable ride home and until her parents get home. Shedding tears over this change. Trying to stay positive though. A sign in front of our Church says “Every season in life has a purpose.” Praying for God’s guidance in this season my sweet granddaughter and I are in.
After reading these stories, helps me a lot! I took care of my 3 grandchildren for almost 13 yrs. I got called to another state to help with my other 2 grandchildren 3 yrs ago! Once I got here it was only for 9 months!! Their other grandmother lives obe door down, she is pretty much overbearing and every time I go out to see them she finds her way over I just let it go because these are her only grandchildren and I have three other grandchildren but now that they’re older 2321 and 16 I don’t see them Harley at all number one I live in another state that I absolutely do not like and I hope to move back to my other grandchildren even though the two oldest one graduating from college this next spring the other one already graduated has a job but still talks very good to me tells me how much he loves me the one that a senior in college lives in this town and I do laundry of course and he’s very sweet and busy with his girlfriend. But I do have a full-time job my wine concern is my granddaughter that I was so close to in Texas she was hooked at my hip for the time he was born I babysat all the time every weekend and sometimes four days a week to five days a week when my daughter and son-in-law traveled but I also worked a full-time job. My granddaughter is going to be 16 is a big-time pure leader and busy with all her friends and I see that on Instagram so I send her a text every once in a while sometimes I hear back sometimes I don’t and when I don’t it hurts , but I have to realize she is 16 and it does have a lot of pressure she is in her private school and I’m sure her workload is now she comes from divorce parents and that’s even harder on her but my daughter goes above and beyond to make sure she has everything she needs her father does spend time with her even though he’s remarried but she does spend every other weekend with him but I think again she’s with her friends more than him. You never think these days will come but boy they go fast, it always makes my heart feel good when my granddaughter wants something good to happen she will text me and asked me to pray and of course I do tell her she needs to pray also to keep positive and negative her life. I send her cards I think sometimes that helps maybe not all the time but I’ve sent her a text like a week ago haven’t heard back that kind of hurts but then again I think it’s not about me it’s all about my grandchildren they are starting exciting new lives and I had to quit thinking that it’s about me. My grandchildren remember all the good times we had so that does make my heart feel good my other two here I can’t say that too much because of the other grandmother but I’m not going to be jealous of that because like I said before these are her only two grandchildren. She has a lot of money that she can buy but my grandchildren don’t care they don’t say anything about grandma what did you bring me one time I told my granddaughter her from Texas she looked at me so funny . I guess we grandmothers have to get our own lives and just pray for our grandchildren and be thankful that the times that we did have with them were wonderful those are memories that we will have forever. Just do the best you can do because that’s what I try to do to keep in contact and let them know you’re always there. Just remember it’s not about you Nor me❤️❤️❤️
I have really enjoyed reading all the comments on here. I have 13 grandchildren ages 23-3 yrs old. All boys except 2 one is 15 yr old girl and the baby 3 yrs old. My 3 grandson’s of my youngest daughter is the one I am worried about. The 14 yr old is having a hard time. The oldest son deals with it better but he is almost 16. And the youngest is 10 so he is almost having a hard time. But seems to be dealing with it better. So my worry is the 14 yr old. He is having a hard time. So some of these post seems to have helped me in knowing that I am not alone. I am going to try all these coping skills y’all have given me to help him. I am going to start praying for him very particular every night. If you have a private chat I can send you. I would really appreciate that. Thank you so much S.S.