Written by Dr. Joannie DeBrito, Family Support Specialist
In Part 1 of this blog post, I discussed the normal transitions that children go through and how grandparents can help them cope well and build resilience. Now I will share how grandparents can understand and respond well to some difficult expected or unexpected transitions that may occur in our grandchildren’s lives.
First, it’s important to note that the word “transition” has recently come to be associated with some grandchildren and/or their parents choosing to seek transition from being a male to a female or vice versa. Since I know that many grandparents are dealing with this issue in their families, I encourage those of you who are touched by it to read these two previous blogs about LGBT+ issues:
- How Grandparents Can Respond to LGBT Issues Part 1: Being Informed
- How Grandparents Can Respond to LGBT Issues Part 2: Ways to Help
Here are the two main categories of difficult expected or unexpected transitions:
Loss
Although loss is a very normal part of life, we still experience grief as we process through the death or significant illness of a loved one. This type of loss is especially difficult because remaining family members are left to fill the void of the person who died or is significantly ill.
You can also experience the loss of something important to living a normal life, such as losing a home, job, business, career, or a substantial amount of money. These types of losses impact a family’s ability to have the most basic necessities of life. Sometimes, losses require moving to a new home, state, or country that may also require kids to change schools.
In all these cases, grandparents can be especially impactful by being sounding boards for their grandchildren as they cope with these losses. Additionally, if possible, they may help by providing needed resources.
Children of all ages do well with routines and structures, and those are often disrupted following a major loss. Therefore, anything grandparents can do to help re-establish some order during what is usually organized or disorganized chaos after a loss can be extremely helpful.
Losses in a grandchild’s family may significantly impact grandparents as well, especially if, for instance, their child or grandchild died. In this case, grandparents also need to get help for their own grief so they can be available to care for grandchildren.
Also, if a loss was related to an unexpected or unusual tragedy, such as suicide, homicide, domestic/violent crime, or natural disaster, it could be very helpful to collaborate with parents to help a grandchild find a therapist who specializes in helping children cope with trauma.
Marriage and Family Issues
Changes in marriage and family life are especially difficult for children because they tend to significantly affect the people they have looked to for safety and security.
Things like unplanned or problem pregnancies, marital discord, separation, divorce, remarriage, or blending of families all require couples to turn some of their attention away from their children. This can leave those kids feeling hurt, jealous, and often confused about who to turn to for help.
While younger children often act out when they feel forgotten by their parents, adolescents will often become depressed or participate in a lot of rebellious behavior. This is a time when children need to know that they can find safety and security somewhere, and that may be at their grandparents’ house or in the context of conversations with their grandparents.
Also, if couples are in the midst of a highly conflictual divorce, grandparents would be wise to encourage their child and son- or daughter-in-law to protect grandchildren from being exposed to their anger and hatred.
Proverbs 10:12 says: “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.” (ESV)
Not only is hatred damaging to grandchildren and their future relationships with their parents, but it may also damage their potential for having healthy marriages and families in the future.
Transitional Objects
When grandchildren are required to move after a significant loss or to move from home to home to satisfy custody agreements after a divorce, this can feel very disruptive and confusing.
As grandparents, you can help ease the confusion by providing your grandchild with what is called a “transitional object”. This is something that a grandchild takes wherever they go. It could be a favorite stuffed animal, a book, a warm blanket, or a special water bottle. Always having something with them that is a constant in their life can help a grandchild cope with the many changes they are experiencing.
Transitions in Spiritual Development
As intentional Christian grandparents, our goal is to disciple our grandchildren to be followers of Christ. We hope that they will move from being dependent on themselves to being dependent on God and from being self-serving to following the example of Jesus Christ by serving others. Rituals can help grandchildren mark these transitions and recover from the difficult expected or unexpected events discussed in this blog.
Therefore, grandparents, encourage baptism for grandchildren who are ready. Celebrate their acts of service to others. An example would be when they return from a mission trip or enter the ministry after graduating from college. Also, be aware that helping your grandchildren find ways to commemorate a loved one who has passed away or a previous home that no longer exists can be very cathartic.
While it may seem counterintuitive, encouraging older grandchildren to help others in need after they have suffered a loss or experienced a traumatic event in their lives can be very healing. You might think that being exposed to others who are hurting would make a grandchild feel more depressed, yet, for most older children, serving seems to distract them from focusing too much on their own pain.
This was beautifully illustrated in the movie “Soul Surfer,” which tells the story of Bethany Hamilton, a young surfer in Hawaii who lost her arm in a vicious shark attack. As a young Christian teenager, Bethany chose to partner with World Vision to help children in need. Just one year after the shark attack, her first trip was to Thailand, where she served the needs of children after a tsunami occurred there.
Relational Drift
Grandparents who have experienced some relational drifting (that I mentioned in Part 1 of this blog) may find that their grandchild wants to engage with them during a transition related to a loss or a major change in the family. Or they might be willing to accept an invitation from you if you reach out.
When kids feel vulnerable and lost, which is common in a transitional crisis, they look for people and places that have been safe in their past. This can offer an opportunity for reconnecting with you. If that occurs, remember that your job is to offer a safe place to talk, listen, and show grace. If your grandchild continues to remain distant, consider reaching out via a phone call, text, or email to express your empathy for him or her.
Conclusion
One thing we know about life is that things keep changing. Usually, the more change we experience, the better we get at handling change. We also know that often the greatest opportunities for growth come out of painful circumstances.
Grandparents, you have so much wisdom and empathy to share with your grandchildren from your life experiences. Let them learn from your examples by observing, listening, and experiencing your presence in their lives.
