Learning Your Grandchildren’s Love Languages (Part 1)

Written by Dr. Joannie DeBrito, Family Support Specialist

Just over three decades ago, Gary Chapman wrote a book that was intended to help spouses learn how to love one another well. The 5 Love Languages explains that all of us have a primary and secondary love language that helps us to feel very loved.

If we could discover the love languages of our spouses, we could then show them love in ways that would be most likely to be cherished and appreciated by them. On the other hand, if we assumed that they felt most loved in the ways that we did, we might unintentionally miss the opportunities to love them in the ways they found most meaningful.

Additionally, if their love language was used in discipline, it hurts deeper. Love languages are great to use to build up but not to discipline.

Chapman identified the love languages as:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

After the first book, Chapman’s concept of the 5 love languages was expanded to include books that discussed how to discover the love languages of children, teens, singles, and coworkers.

In this article, I will offer some practical tips for learning the love languages of your grandchildren so you can interact with them in a way that helps them feel deeply loved by you.

With grandchildren, you have to observe their behavior to get clues about their primary and secondary love languages.

In part one of this article, we’ll explore words of affirmation and quality time.

Words of Affirmation

Grandchildren who feel most loved when they hear words of affirmation are those who are more interested in engaging in a conversation with you than playing a game with you.

They are very attuned to what you say. You will see their faces light up if you affirm them, often referring back to something you have said in a conversation. This indicates how closely they listened and that what you said made a significant impression on them.

Take the time to talk to these children, using age-appropriate language. Provide unexpected statements of encouragement, either through a conversation or by leaving encouraging notes in their rooms or in their backpacks.

If you have a young grandchild, you will often find that the chatty toddler will develop into one for who words of affirmation is their primary love language. As these grandchildren grow older, take the time to tell them what you appreciate about them at each stage of development. Include those older grandchildren who are emerging into adulthood and those who are having children of their own.

Quality Time

A grandchild, who frequently asks you to play with him or her, often wants to show you something, or appears to get upset if you are spending time with another, likely leans toward quality time being his or her primary or secondary love language.

Therefore, when you interact with this child, make sure that you have put all distractions aside (no texting during this precious time!). Provide your full attention and ask what things he or she would like to do with you in the future making a mental or written note of what activities are favored. Then, plan to do those kinds of activities regularly.

If you live far away from that grandchild but regularly connect via a virtual connection, spend the time online playing a game with each other rather than just chatting.

These grandchildren are also more likely to enjoy gifts that provide opportunities to spend time with you, than toys. Consider making up coupons to go for a bike ride, enjoy a picnic in the park together, bake cookies, or camp in the backyard.

Ask teens who feel loved via spending time together to come up with ways that they would like to enjoy quality time with you, and don’t forget to make time for those college students and young adults.

If you have had a good relationship with a grandchild who values quality time and you learn that he or she will be coming to visit you or going home for a special holiday, take some time for the two of you to plan some quality time together.

Conclusion

Part two of this blog covers the last three love languages of receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Read part two here!

Be intentional this week, observing and thinking about each of your grandchildren. Have fun discovering their love language then implement some ways to show them love, this month and every month!

Editor’s Note: Get your own copy of one of Dr. Gary Chapman’s books at our online store here!