How Grandparents Can Support Parents of Neurodiverse Children

Written by Kari Baker, Author and Friend of Legacy Coalition

After another drop-off disaster at my son Brady’s preschool, I came home, distracted and unable to focus on work. I absent-mindedly picked up a magazine on my desk, a local free edition which usually went directly from the mailbox to the recycle bin. Only God must have known this edition needed my attention.

I flipped the pages and landed on an article about a mother whose son was diagnosed with autism much later in life. My breath caught in my chest as she described her son as a toddler. He sounded just like Brady. We knew Brady was not as social as the other kids in his class, and he hadn’t hit certain development milestones yet, but autism?  At the bottom of the article was a link to an online questionnaire, and just minutes later, I had my answer.

Be There

My parents live three blocks away, and Brady is their only grandchild. Somehow, as I stared at the bubble on my screen, which read, “Your child should be evaluated for autism spectrum disorder,” the Holy Spirit must have whispered to my mom, “Call Kari now.” My phone rang, and within minutes, my dad was at my door. He held me tightly as I sobbed from a place deep inside me, one I never knew existed. He kept telling me, “We’ll do whatever we can to help.”

Until that day, Gra and Dadat (Brady’s names for my mom and dad) were enjoying all the usual liberties presented to grandparents, especially those involving sweet treats and lax discipline.

Support

However, once they became autism grandparents, every interaction provided an opportunity for growth or regression. The stakes were high. They still had lots of fun with Brady, but it was careful and intentional.

They attended parent training sessions with us to learn how to recognize and respond to Brady’s needs. They implemented activities based on our top developmental priorities. They babysat Brady to give us much-needed breaks for dinner and sometimes weekends away. Most of all, they respected the treatment decisions John and I made, and frequently reminded us that we were great parents, even when we felt like the opposite was true.

In other words, they loved like Jesus. They saw Brady for who he is, fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). They never doubted who he could become, a child of God, born exactly as God intended so the works of God could be displayed in him (John 9:3).  They loved us fiercely and supported us unconditionally, blessing us when we were poor in spirit (Matthew 5:3).

Different Responses

I am so grateful that John and I never faced skepticism or judgment from any of our closest relatives. As the founder of KIND Families (KIND=Kids with Invisible Neurological Differences), I talk to many parents who received a very different response when they expressed concerns about their child’s development or received a diagnosis. Here are a few of the most common:

1. You’re just overreacting.
2. He’s just being a boy.
3. He’s just three, he’ll grow out of it.
4. You just need to provide better discipline.

“Just” is a luxury most special needs parents can’t rely upon. When facing a diagnosis of any neurodiversity, there is no easy fix, no simple tweak, and no wait-and-see approach. Your sons and daughters with KIND kids are fighting a scary uphill battle against time, and they need you on the front lines with them, not shooting arrows from the other side.

Speaking of battles, remember the story of Moses and the staff in Exodus 17? As Israel fought with the Amalekites, Moses realized if he held the staff of God over his head, his people would prevail, but if he dropped the staff, the enemy would advance. The staff was heavy, and Moses grew weary. But Aaron and Hur came beside him, gave him a rock to sit on, and held up his arms. What a beautiful picture of how you can be there for your children who are on a KIND journey.

More Practical Guidance

Here is some more practical guidance based on Gra and Dadat’s example:

1. Believe: You are only seeing snapshots of your grandchild. Behaviors at home could be very different, so don’t dismiss or diminish your son or daughter’s concerns.
2. Learn: Do your research about the neurodiversity suspected or diagnosed and how it may impact your grandchild’s behaviors.
3. Engage: Ask what you can do when you are spending time with your grandchild to support interventions. Inconsistency can derail progress.
4. Provide Respite: God emphasized the importance of Sabbath to His people, but rest can be elusive for a KIND parent without a trusted caregiver.

In other words, “just” love like Jesus.

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To learn more from Kari Baker on this topic, check out her book “Finding KIND: Discovering Hope and Purpose While Loving Kids with Invisible Neurological Differences” here.