Question:
We have been very involved with our oldest two grandchildren – boys age 10 and 12. The 12-year-old is starting to deal with things that are expected at that age. However, he has begun being critical and disrespectful toward us at times.
Sometimes we let it go. At other times we feel compelled to tell him that his behavior is not acceptable. We would appreciate help with knowing the best way to deal with this.
Response:
Yes, this is the age when pre-teens often begin to push back against authority figures in their lives. It is important for you to continue to set limits on critical and disrespectful behavior. However, how you do that is the key.
First, you should speak with his parents and ask them if they see the same behavior in their home, and if so, how they handle it. Encourage them to talk with your grandson (with or without you present) and reinforce that he should be respectful toward you in your home.
They might also want to remind your grandson, gently, what he should appreciate about the two of you. Often kids don’t realize that they are being disrespectful, so your grandson may need to learn which behaviors are perceived as critical and disrespectful and how to respond in a better way.
When your grandson is in your home and is communicating in negative ways with you:
- Calmly and directly address your concern. Say “It is not ok for you to speak to us that way.”
- State the expectation for behavior of both of you. Say “We always try to communicate respectfully with you and we expect you to be respectful toward us as well.”
- Provide a solution. Say “We’ll be happy to talk with you about anything as long as you communicate without being critical or disrespectful.”
Side Note Example: My husband and I went through this with one of our daughters when she was (surprise) 12 years old. She did not respond particularly well at first and we had to endure some grumbling and mild temper tantrums, but we continued to give the same message consistently. After about 6 months, she came to us, apologized for her disrespectful behavior, and to this day (she is now 38), we all laugh about some of the funny ways she pushed back. Most kids respond well to consistent and respectful discipline.
14 thoughts on “Handling Disrespectful Behavior of Grandkids”
We visited our son and his family from out-of-state twice a month. Every time we visited, we brought toys and books for our 4 years old grandson. If he doesn’t like our gifts, he would who throws a temper tantrum by tossing our gifts to the floor and said “ I don’t like them!”.
My son and daughter-in-law were present but didn’t intervene.
We were shocked and didn’t know how to react. Please advice.
Take those things back home with you. He may not keep them, no matter how often he apologizes
Great advise
It seems as this happens alot anymore. Possibly parenting skills combined with child learning bad habits .. and parents not correcting problems to help them grow.
I’ve had my grandsons for 12 years, I had to raise them to keep them out of foster care , I became there guardian in 2018
My grandsons has began to lie saying that
I wish they were dead . Very disrespectful
Toward me . Slamming doors , no communication. I’ve been there for them always and has respected them since I’ve had them . I have gave my life for them . What went wrong ?
This is a very hard situation. May God give you the strength to endure and may He work all things out.
Not intervening & calling the grandchildren out on this type of behavior will only enable it to get worse. You can’t push this under the rug. The parents need to intervene & set limits. A time out for each & every time the child is disrespectful must be adhered to. The time out must be enforced throughout the time out period. Also to be clear about an apology afterwards.
My eight year old granddaughter is direspectfil, rude , bossy , angry tone , and always correcting me . I can scarcely cope with her. Soon as her Mother walks in the door she is smiling and a sweet voice
May God give you the strength to address this situation with your daughter in law. May the relationship improve.
I have the same problem. Her behaviour only started about 1 year ago. She was the easiest little girl, never giving me a hard time and all of a sudden she says even cruel things. My husband and I are at a loss. We’ve never gotten mad a her since we never had a reason to. We take her everywhere she wants to go: pool, amusement parks, zoo… you name it. We take her shopping. No idea what happened but here we are 🙁
We just had our daughter move in with us with her 10 yr old son after leaving a abusive relationship and had no where else to go. All we (I) seem to get is disrespect and arguing. He does not want to follow our family and house rules that we set back when his mother was young, nor does he really respect his mother at home. I am at my wits end. I love him dearly, but at times want him to leave. My kids never showed me so much disrespect as he is.
We are so sorry you are going through this – Praying that God soothes your hurting heart. May He lead you to what to say and when to say it.
Our granddaughter is nearly 4. Her Papa has been watching her since she was 1 to keep her from going to daycare. He has been such a wonderful grandfather to her! When he picks her up while meeting her mom at work, she goes from one car seat to the other. Lately she has been screaming “I want my mommy!” She kicks and yells at him. Her mother, our daughter-in-law, simply says she’s super sensitive this morning” and never corrects the way she treats my husband (Papa). Today when he got home, she refused to let him take her out of her car seat. She has even stopped talking to him in the morning. We’ve never been allowed to tell her “No” or to correct her for any negative behavior. She is normally a sweet loving and kind child, but lately she’s been a handful. How do we ask our son and daughter-in-law to address this behavior without upsetting them? If we say anything about if she has done anything unkindly, we are told she’s just trying to regulate her emotions. We have also been told not to let her nap, but she usually wants to take a nap when coming to our house, and we don’t even tell them anymore, as she’s so tired. They say she’s too old to take a nap. What should we do about this? It’s to the point, as much as we love her, my husband does not want to babysit her anymore. He’s really hurt by the way she treats him and it breaks my heart. Note, he is retired and I am still working. He loves her to the moon and back. It’s just so hard when you’re not allowed to use the word “no” and you’re not allowed to correct negative, and really, disrespectful behavior. Thank you for your help.
Look at the previous question that dealt with this issue. It may give you helpful information.