Written by Dr. Joannie DeBrito, Family Support Specialist
Have you noticed that judgment of others is in abundance these days, and grace is often hard to find? Now, more than ever, we as Christians have the opportunity to follow the example of Jesus Christ and extend grace to all of those who harm others, which unfortunately, includes all of us.
“The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.” – Psalm 145:8-9 (NIV)
Be Grace-Filled
Focus on those last four words; “all he has made”. This means the Lord has grace and compassion for the grandchild He made who is disrespectful to his grandparents, and the prodigal young adult He made who left her family and faith, and the college student He made who killed a family of five while driving under the influence.
You may find yourself feeling disheartened about some of the ways human beings hurt one another regularly.
These acts are not new to mankind; they have been going on since the beginning of time. We are just more aware of these sins of commission because they are recorded and broadcast moments after they occur, whether just on one person’s social media account or on the public and private airways. The 24-hour news cycle (not to mention the cell phones that make all of us potential photographers and reporters) has brought human suffering into our living rooms, and the natural reaction is judgment toward the perpetrators. Sometimes, those perpetrators are our family members.
Grace in the Midst of Family Struggles
Our deepest hurts come from those who are closest to us because our relationships with them are so important. We have much to lose when conflicts with our loved ones disrupt the important connections we have with them.
We may find it easy to suggest grace for a stranger and very hard to do so for a daughter or grandson. When one of them makes a mistake with only temporary, minor consequences, we may extend grace with little thought. However, it’s harder when you know the mistake has hurt other loved ones in your family or may contribute to some long-term damage to him, her, you, and many others.
Have you felt the sting of a son and daughter-in-law who have asked you to no longer be a part of their lives? Are you longing to meet a grandchild you’ve been barred from seeing? Do you have a beloved grandson that regularly criticizes you and mocks you for your belief in God? Are you concerned about the lifestyle choices that your granddaughter has made that have contributed to reckless behavior and danger to her younger siblings?
The natural reaction to all of these is to be scared, confused, frustrated, and angry. There are legitimate reasons to have those feelings, but responding out of fear, confusion, frustration, or rage is never helpful.
Practical Steps to Respond With Grace
Instead:
- Be aware of those emotions, and allow yourself to express them to God or in private with a trusted loved one.
- Pray for God to give you the strength to respond to the situation with grace.
- Let these words from the Bible sink in:
“May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.” – 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 (NIV)
Grace as a Path to Forgiveness and Healing
We are reminded here that the reaction to the grace given to us by God and Jesus Christ should be good deeds and good words toward others. In another well-known verse, we are told that vengeance belongs to God and that we are not to respond to being harmed by fighting back or seeking retribution. We are called to trust that when we take our grievances to God, He will judge righteously.
Besides, judgment only makes a person react defensively. However, grace (the unexpected response) communicates empathy and compassion which opens the door for an honest and meaningful discussion about how you both feel and how God can heal the person, you, and/or your relationship.
Being grace-filled is necessary for all of us to navigate complicated situations with our family members and expose them to the grace of God and Jesus Christ. Grace extended to one person often becomes a case of a “pay it forward” situation. If I am gracious toward my children and grandchildren, they will be more likely than not to be gracious toward their children and grandchildren.
Being grace-filled also tends to lead people to forgive and seek forgiveness. Once again, we are reminded that Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross, given by grace, allows for the forgiveness of our sins through faith in Jesus Christ. Our gratitude for grace given to us may be shown by offering grace to others. Since we tend to have more contact with our family members than with others, we have numerous opportunities to be grace-filled, sometimes multiple times within the same day.
The Challenge of Showing Grace to Yourself
Finally, often the hardest person to show grace and forgiveness toward is oneself. Most of us have high expectations for ourselves and find it difficult to recognize and admit when we have hurt and harmed our children and grandchildren. In these cases, we need to have grace for ourselves and be grateful that we have a Savior who loves us despite our weaknesses and failings. We are told that if we confess our sins, we are forgiven. When I confess to God and ask for forgiveness, it deepens my reliance on God.
A Story of Grace and Redemption
A friend of mine, a previous hospice chaplain, recently told me the moving story of a woman he met with who appeared to be in the last days of her life. He knew that her numerous children and grandchildren had not visited her and wondered if she could tell him why. She replied that it was probably because she had made all of them mad at her.
With grace and wisdom, recognizing the opportunity that he had to change this woman’s life before she died (and potentially her family members’ lives) my friend shared the gospel with her, and she accepted the Lord as her Savior. He then asked her if she might want to forgive herself and ask her family members to forgive her. She said “yes” to both.
My friend contacted each one of the woman’s children and grandchildren (16 in all, I believe.) Initially, they all said “no,” but after he told them that she had given her life to the Lord and wanted to ask for forgiveness, they arrived one by one to meet with her. Each one of them spent time with her and left with tears in their eyes and expressions of gratitude for my friend’s interactions with their mother and grandmother. The woman died a few hours later. This was grace, and the healing power of forgiveness, in action.
Living It Out
We would all serve the Lord well if we could hold our emotions related to hurt and harm at bay and recognize the opportunity we have to connect with those who hurt us or others, via being grace-filled. May we lead them toward forgiveness, reconciliation, faith, and the hope of eternity.
