How to Build Strong Relationships with Adult Children

Written by Steve and Julia Cummings, Authors and Podcast Hosts

When our four kids became adults and we entered the empty-nest season, we faced unexpected struggles, failures, and conflicts in our relationships with them. Navigating this transition with our three sons and one daughter was far more challenging than we anticipated. We had spent years pouring into them, guiding their choices, and offering instruction— only to realize that parenting adult children required a completely different approach…a grand pivot. 

Parenting does not end when our children turn 18; it simply shifts. And if we don’t shift with it, we risk damaging the very relationships we long to preserve.  If we want to have an impact on our grandchildren and be intentional, we must choose relationship with our adult kids over being right.

How do we do that?

Here are three principles from our book, “The Parent Pivot: 13 Principles for Building Healthy Relationships with Your Adult Child.”  (Now available in the Legacy Coalition Store here.)

Wait to Be Asked Your Opinion

“Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.” – Proverbs 18:2

One of the hardest transitions for parents of adult children is learning when to speak and when to remain silent. As parents, we have spent years offering guidance, correction, and direction. It feels natural to continue sharing our thoughts, especially when we see our children facing challenges or making decisions we believe could be better. However, unsolicited advice, even when well-intended, is almost always received as criticism. The key to preserving and strengthening our relationship is simple: wait to be asked.

When we freely give our opinions without an invitation, we risk alienating our adult children rather than helping them. No one enjoys unsolicited advice, regardless of the source. It can come across as intrusive, condescending, or even controlling. When we constantly interject our thoughts, our children may begin to tune us out, nodding politely while inwardly wishing we would stop talking. Over time, this habit can lead to fractured relationships, where they feel less inclined to share their lives with us.

The truth is that our adult children already know what we think. They have heard our beliefs, values, and wisdom throughout their upbringing. Repeating the same advice repeatedly does not strengthen our influence—it weakens it. It sends the message that we do not trust them to think for themselves. But when we step back and allow them to navigate their own lives, we communicate confidence in their ability to make decisions. And when they do need guidance, they will seek it from those they trust—not those who constantly impose their opinions.

A better approach is to wait for the right moment. Instead of immediately offering advice, we can ask permission: “Would you like my perspective on this?” Or, “Can I share something I’ve learned about that?” This small shift turns the conversation from unsolicited instruction to a meaningful exchange. If they say no, we must respect that boundary. It is not a rejection of our wisdom—it is a sign that they need space to figure things out on their own.

Trusting our adult children to make their own choices does not mean we agree with every decision they make. It simply means we recognize that this is their life to live, not ours to direct. Mistakes and missteps are part of growth, just as they were for us. If we are always jumping in to correct or redirect, we rob them of the opportunity to learn, adapt, and take ownership of their journey.

Ironically, when we stop forcing our opinions, our children are often more likely to seek them out. When they know we are not hovering, waiting for a chance to tell them what to do, they feel safer coming to us for advice. They will see us not as overbearing authorities, but as trusted partners who respect their autonomy. And when life’s most difficult circumstances arise, they will be more inclined to turn to us, knowing that they will be met with wisdom, not judgment.

At its core, waiting to be asked for our opinion is about preserving and deepening our relationship. It is about choosing connection over control, trust over interference. When we learn to keep our mouths shut until we are invited to speak, we create an environment where our children feel respected, valued, and safe to return—not just for guidance, but for the love and support they will always need.

Listen

“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” – James 1:19

The transition from parenting a child to partnering with an adult is one of the most profound shifts a parent will ever experience. It is a journey of releasing control, of letting go, and ultimately, of trusting God. At the heart of this transition is a simple yet deeply challenging principle: listen. Not just hearing words, but truly listening with the intent to understand, support, and love without conditions or agendas.

Listening is often mistaken for hearing, but they are not the same. Hearing is passive; it happens automatically. Listening, however, is an active choice—it requires effort, patience, and humility. It means resisting the urge to formulate a response while the other person is still speaking. It means quieting our own thoughts, setting aside preconceived notions, and leaning into the experience of another. When our adult children speak, they are not always seeking advice or solutions; sometimes, they simply want to be heard.

One of the deepest desires of the human heart is to feel understood. Our children, no matter how grown they are, long for that same reassurance. They want to know that their thoughts, emotions, and struggles matter to us. If we rush to correct, advise, or fix, we may unintentionally silence them. Instead, we listen with intention, acknowledge their feelings, and respond with simple empathy. “That sounds hard. I can see how you feel that way.” We create a safe space where they feel valued, respected, and drawn toward us rather than away.

Listening also requires humility. As parents, we may believe we have the benefit of wisdom, experience, and perspective. While that may be true, wisdom does not always need to be spoken. There is a time for teaching and guiding, but there is also a time for silence. When we hold our tongues or when we resist the urge to lecture or fix, we show our adult children that we trust them to navigate their own lives. More importantly, we demonstrate our trust in God, believing that He is at work in their journey just as He has been in ours.

Trusting God in this season means releasing the grip we once had. It means recognizing that the same God who carried us through our own struggles will do the same for them. If we are constantly inserting ourselves, we may unintentionally stand in the way of what He is trying to do in their hearts and lives. Letting go does not mean loving less; it means loving differently—with patience, grace, and the willingness to step back so they can step forward.

The beauty of becoming a good listener is that it strengthens the relationship rather than weakens it. When our children feel heard, they feel safe to keep coming back. When they know we will listen without judgment, they will seek our presence rather than avoid it. The goal is not control, nor is it agreement on every issue—it is connection. And connection is built through trust, through respect, and most of all, through listening.

So, as we navigate this new chapter, let us embrace the power of silence. Let us listen well, not to respond but to understand. Let us trust God with the journey of our adult children, knowing that He is their ultimate guide. And in doing so, we may find that letting go is not an ending, but the beginning of a deeper, richer, and more beautiful relationship than we ever imagined.

Humbly Own Your Mistakes

“People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.” – Proverbs 28:13

One of the most powerful ways to strengthen a relationship with an adult child is through humility— specifically, the willingness to own past mistakes. As parents, we did our best to raise our children with love and wisdom, but no one parents perfectly. There were moments when we spoke too harshly, misunderstood their needs, or let our own fears dictate our actions. Acknowledging these missteps, both from the past and the present, is not a sign of weakness—it is a bridge to deeper connection.

Apologizing to an adult for mistakes made in their upbringing or even for recent misunderstandings can be both unexpected and healing. Many parents hesitate to do so, fearing that admitting fault will diminish their authority. The opposite is true. When we humbly acknowledge our mistakes, we demonstrate strength, maturity, and a commitment to growth. Our children see that we are not just parents, but human beings who are willing to learn and change.

A sincere apology goes beyond mere words. It is not about offering a quick “I’m sorry” to smooth things over, but about truly recognizing how our actions may have impacted our child. It might mean saying, “I realize I was too hard on you when you were younger, and I wish I had listened more.” Or, “I now see that my expectations put unnecessary pressure on you, and I regret that.” When we acknowledge our shortcomings with honesty, we validate our child’s experiences and emotions.

Perhaps even more important than the apology itself is the commitment to change. Owning our mistakes means not only recognizing them but making a conscious effort to adjust our behavior. If we were dismissive in the past, we can now prioritize listening. If we were overly critical, we can now affirm and encourage. Words of apology mean little if our actions remain the same. Growth and transformation are what truly rebuild trust.

Humility also invites transparency into the relationship. When an adult child sees that we are willing to admit when we are wrong, it opens the door for them to do the same. It sets a precedent that mistakes are not met with shame but with grace. This dynamic creates an environment where both parent and child can communicate more openly, without fear of judgment or rejection.

It is important to remember that our children may not immediately respond with forgiveness or understanding. They may need time to process our words, especially if past wounds run deep. But whether they express gratitude right away or remain guarded, what matters is that we take responsibility for our part. Healing is a process, and our willingness to own our mistakes is a step toward restoration, regardless of how quickly it is received.

At its core, humbly owning our mistakes is about choosing relationship over pride. It is about valuing connection more than being right. When we model humility, vulnerability, and a genuine desire to make things right, we foster a relationship built on trust, authenticity, and love. And in doing so, we create a legacy not of perfection, but of grace, redemption, and unwavering commitment to our children—no matter their age.

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Steve and Julia Cummings are co-hosts of The Parent Pivot Podcast, which can be found on all podcast platforms, social media, and YouTube. Steve is also the Chief Development Officer for Legacy Coalition