Modeling Christlike Dialogue

Written by Dr. Joannie DeBrito, Family Support Specialist

Do you remember that old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”? I’ve always wondered who wrote that, and I have serious concerns about the writer’s level of intelligence and understanding of human experience. I think it is one of the most ridiculous statements ever made.

Words DO hurt, specifically critical, demeaning, abusive, insulting, and nasty words. Virtually all my mental health professional colleagues can attest to that after listening to clients grieve repeatedly about the words that have hurt them, not to mention millions of parents and grandparents.

How many times have you, as a parent or grandparent, sat with your child or grandchild and offered comfort while he or she talked about something unkind that was said to them that caused a deep, enduring wound?

Be an Example

Last month, I wrote about the importance of showing our grandchildren Biblical principles by what we do and how we conduct ourselves. I mentioned that children tend to learn more from how they see us behave than from what we tell them to do.

However, there is still immense value in talking with our children and grandchildren. In this blog, I want to discuss HOW to talk to them so we can fulfill Legacy Coalition’s theme for the month of August: Be an Example. Our conversations with our children and grandchildren should emulate Christ-like dialogue in several ways.

Grace and Truth

Let’s revisit the two concepts that characterize the ministry of Jesus Christ: GRACE AND TRUTH.

Biblical grace refers to undeserved favor. Jesus extended grace to people he interacted with, even though they may have deserved painful consequences for their actions. Keep in mind that Jesus did not seek to punish people for their indiscretions. Rather, he wanted to show them how living outside of God’s will would result in pain for them.

We need to keep that in mind by using grace-filled language with children and grandchildren when we think we need to discuss a concern with them. Use this formula:

1. Ask questions to learn about the concern from his or her perspective.
2. Be empathic in your response, saying something like, “That must have been hard for you,” or “I can understand what motivated you to do that.”
3. Communicate the TRUTH of what the likely consequences are for the concerning action, such as “Because of this, some of my trust for you has been broken, and you’ll have to work to build back trust with me.”

In the above example, your goal is not to be “right” but rather to encourage your child or grandchild to develop Christ-like characteristics such as trustworthiness.

Emphasize Building Strong Relationships

Jesus Christ was intentional about building loving relationships with human beings. Our conversations with our children and grandchildren should keep that intention in mind. When we talk with family members, we need to think about how what we say may either damage the relationship or encourage strength in the relationship.

Using destructive language will obviously leave others feeling ridiculed and exposed, or in other words, unsafe in our presence. On the contrary, using words, facial expressions, and a tone of voice that communicate love, support, and encouragement contribute to strong, trusting relationships.

Look at the difference between these two ways of talking with a person who is addicted to alcohol. Which is likely to cause more pain and damage? Which is likely to encourage the person to get help.

Destructive Response: “You’re nothing but a drunk! You’ve ruined my life, your grandfather’s life, your parents’ life, and if you don’t get your act together now, you’re going to end up on the streets, alone and with nothing, and none of us will care. You did it to yourself.”

Loving Response: “I know you’re struggling and that I can’t fix things, but I want to help. It scares me to think what might happen to you if you aren’t able to stop drinking. I love you and believe that you can get better. What can I do to help you? I am willing to walk through this with you.”

Take Every Opportunity to Communicate in Positive Ways

We human beings tend to dwell on negative comments we receive. It takes several positive remarks to counteract the sting of one unkindly stated criticism. Therefore, as grandparents, we need to take every opportunity to notice and talk to our children and grandchildren about:

• The gratitude we feel for the many ways they enrich our lives
• Strengths and God-given gifts that we see in them
• Times when we notice that they are displaying Christ-like character. Include examples of when they are kind to their siblings or respond to us in respectful ways.
• Situations when we see their faith in action

Let Love Be Your Guide

The Bible tells us that GOD IS LOVE, and as Jesus is part of the Triune God, JESUS IS LOVE.

No matter how you might be feeling- whether deeply hurt, fearful, or just downright mad, nothing is accomplished other than hurting a child or grandchild if you let your emotions do the speaking for you. So, whenever you need to talk with a child or grandchild about a concern, take the time to think about how to speak in a way that communicates love for him or her.

If you’re like me, you may need to take the time to vent your frustration. When you are alone, release that emotion and think about what you want to say in a loving and kind way. Taking that extra time will pay off in the form of building trust and understanding.

Let your words be an example of Christ’s grace, truth, relationship-building, encouragement, and love. Remember, words do hurt, and they matter. Let’s model Christlike communication with our families and others.