Question:
We have been very involved with our oldest two grandchildren – boys age 10 and 12. The 12-year-old is starting to deal with things that are expected at that age. However, he has begun being critical and disrespectful toward us at times.
Sometimes we let it go. At other times we feel compelled to tell him that his behavior is not acceptable. We would appreciate help with knowing the best way to deal with this.
Response:
Yes, this is the age when pre-teens often begin to push back against authority figures in their lives. It is important for you to continue to set limits on critical and disrespectful behavior. However, how you do that is the key.
First, you should speak with his parents and ask them if they see the same behavior in their home, and if so, how they handle it. Encourage them to talk with your grandson (with or without you present) and reinforce that he should be respectful toward you in your home.
They might also want to remind your grandson, gently, what he should appreciate about the two of you. Often kids don’t realize that they are being disrespectful, so your grandson may need to learn which behaviors are perceived as critical and disrespectful and how to respond in a better way.
When your grandson is in your home and is communicating in negative ways with you:
- Calmly and directly address your concern. Say “It is not ok for you to speak to us that way.”
- State the expectation for behavior of both of you. Say “We always try to communicate respectfully with you and we expect you to be respectful toward us as well.”
- Provide a solution. Say “We’ll be happy to talk with you about anything as long as you communicate without being critical or disrespectful.”
Side Note Example: My husband and I went through this with one of our daughters when she was (surprise) 12 years old. She did not respond particularly well at first and we had to endure some grumbling and mild temper tantrums, but we continued to give the same message consistently. After about 6 months, she came to us, apologized for her disrespectful behavior, and to this day (she is now 38), we all laugh about some of the funny ways she pushed back. Most kids respond well to consistent and respectful discipline.
26 thoughts on “Handling Disrespectful Behavior of Grandkids”
We visited our son and his family from out-of-state twice a month. Every time we visited, we brought toys and books for our 4 years old grandson. If he doesn’t like our gifts, he would who throws a temper tantrum by tossing our gifts to the floor and said “ I don’t like them!”.
My son and daughter-in-law were present but didn’t intervene.
We were shocked and didn’t know how to react. Please advice.
Take those things back home with you. He may not keep them, no matter how often he apologizes
Great advise
It seems as this happens alot anymore. Possibly parenting skills combined with child learning bad habits .. and parents not correcting problems to help them grow.
Je suis une grand d’une petite fille de 2 ans . Elle dit merci .
Deux de ses sœurs ( de 9 ans , et de 16 ans ainsi que le frère de 17 ans que je considère au même titre que ma petite fille ne me disent jamais merci même pour de l’argent en cadeau 🎁 anniversaire etc …
Dernièrement pour celle de 9 ans ayant acheté des vêtements car elle a piqué un caprice ; j’ai demandé le mot magique . Voyant rien venir en rajoutant de me dire merci .
Elle a eu du mal à le sortir .
J’en ai parlé à la maman qui m’a dit que c’était parce que j’ai demandé et qu’elle est une enfant de 9 ans .
J’ai répondu justement à 9 ans , elle doit savoir dire merci comme le dit sa petite sœur de 2 ans .
Et j’ai rajouté que L … ne disait également pas merci en me demandant de raccommoder ses affaires sans dire svp et merci ainsi que le grand pour les 100 € d’anniversaire etc …
Mon époux âgé et usé à refusé de lui faire des travaux importants qui ne sont a notre avis pas urgents et nécessaires ayant 2 salles d’eau et 5 chambres .
Elle lui a écrit un message , certainement en se servant de ce prétexte, disant que c’était inacceptable de dire que ses enfants sont mal éduqués .
Je voulais juste les aider et être présente aussi à leur propre éducation comme elle me l’avait demandé car ayant personne au niveau famille .
Elle m’a proposé de venir chez moi au seuil du portail pour déposer les 2 dernières quand elle travaille et juste bonjour et de s’envoyer des SMS que au sujet des petites .
Mon époux et moi-même avons refusé cette proposition qui va faire souffrir tout le monde et même nous .
Donc , on ne voit plus les enfants .
On se fait une raison .
J’estime que c’est également le rôle des grands parents de pouvoir à l’éducation de ses petits enfants et pas d’être là que pour les cadeaux d’autant plus que nous les sortons en offrant la pizzeria , le restaurant , le manège , l’élastique , le cinéma et les découvertes . Je m’occupais également de venir en aide pour les devoirs et tout cela en ayant fraîchement un cancer du sein qui a suscité récemment chirurgie et radiothérapie . Comme je ne me victimise pas , on me voit toujours sur mon 31 en cachant ma fatigue qui est un combat de tous les jours , ils ont aucune compassion et pitié .
Là , je récupère et je me ressource en m’occupant également d’aller voir 2 fois / semaine ma Mounette de bientôt 96 ans .
C’est la vie !
On ne peut plus rien dire, même en prenant des gants .
I am so sorry You are having issues with your grandchild and parents. May God intercede on your behalf. May He give your wisdom as you proceed forward.
I’ve had my grandsons for 12 years, I had to raise them to keep them out of foster care , I became there guardian in 2018
My grandsons has began to lie saying that
I wish they were dead . Very disrespectful
Toward me . Slamming doors , no communication. I’ve been there for them always and has respected them since I’ve had them . I have gave my life for them . What went wrong ?
This is a very hard situation. May God give you the strength to endure and may He work all things out.
the way i see it is he isn’t mad at you he is mad at his life. i have a 21 year old great grand son who lives with my daughter – his life hasn’t been the greatest. right now he is in college and seems to be doing ok. sometimes it’s just good for them to get away and be on their own depending on friends or themselves. i’m sorry you are going thru this and you should be blessed that you took them in. they will realize the good in this but they have to mature
Not intervening & calling the grandchildren out on this type of behavior will only enable it to get worse. You can’t push this under the rug. The parents need to intervene & set limits. A time out for each & every time the child is disrespectful must be adhered to. The time out must be enforced throughout the time out period. Also to be clear about an apology afterwards.
My eight year old granddaughter is direspectfil, rude , bossy , angry tone , and always correcting me . I can scarcely cope with her. Soon as her Mother walks in the door she is smiling and a sweet voice
May God give you the strength to address this situation with your daughter in law. May the relationship improve.
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My granddaughter will not come to my house unless her mom comes? I am tired of it and she was not spend the night for 3 years.
don’t worry about it – yes it’s hurtful but try to get on with your life – hopefully she will know you want her to be with you at times and you can get close.
I have the same problem. Her behaviour only started about 1 year ago. She was the easiest little girl, never giving me a hard time and all of a sudden she says even cruel things. My husband and I are at a loss. We’ve never gotten mad a her since we never had a reason to. We take her everywhere she wants to go: pool, amusement parks, zoo… you name it. We take her shopping. No idea what happened but here we are 🙁
I am in the same exact situation. Same sudden change, same behaviour. It is extremely disheartening. I don’t know what to do.
May this article be a source of help to you. Check out other resources as well. Know we are joining you in prayer. May your community of faith be a source of comfort and strength for you. At this year’s National Grandparenting Summit we will also be discussing ways to help, encourage, and equip you. Go to legacycoalition.com/summit to list of speakers and topics. May God’s presence and peace surround you.
We just had our daughter move in with us with her 10 yr old son after leaving a abusive relationship and had no where else to go. All we (I) seem to get is disrespect and arguing. He does not want to follow our family and house rules that we set back when his mother was young, nor does he really respect his mother at home. I am at my wits end. I love him dearly, but at times want him to leave. My kids never showed me so much disrespect as he is.
We are so sorry you are going through this – Praying that God soothes your hurting heart. May He lead you to what to say and when to say it.
Our granddaughter is nearly 4. Her Papa has been watching her since she was 1 to keep her from going to daycare. He has been such a wonderful grandfather to her! When he picks her up while meeting her mom at work, she goes from one car seat to the other. Lately she has been screaming “I want my mommy!” She kicks and yells at him. Her mother, our daughter-in-law, simply says she’s super sensitive this morning” and never corrects the way she treats my husband (Papa). Today when he got home, she refused to let him take her out of her car seat. She has even stopped talking to him in the morning. We’ve never been allowed to tell her “No” or to correct her for any negative behavior. She is normally a sweet loving and kind child, but lately she’s been a handful. How do we ask our son and daughter-in-law to address this behavior without upsetting them? If we say anything about if she has done anything unkindly, we are told she’s just trying to regulate her emotions. We have also been told not to let her nap, but she usually wants to take a nap when coming to our house, and we don’t even tell them anymore, as she’s so tired. They say she’s too old to take a nap. What should we do about this? It’s to the point, as much as we love her, my husband does not want to babysit her anymore. He’s really hurt by the way she treats him and it breaks my heart. Note, he is retired and I am still working. He loves her to the moon and back. It’s just so hard when you’re not allowed to use the word “no” and you’re not allowed to correct negative, and really, disrespectful behavior. Thank you for your help.
Look at the previous question that dealt with this issue. It may give you helpful information.
I believe papa reserves the right to tell her no when she is kicking and screaming and crying for her momma when she knows the routine of being in car seat with Papa and Mom “no”! Papa needs to tell her in a calm voice how she should be acting!!! Papa has the right not to have be mistreated by a 4 year old who definitely is able to understand being scolded for mistreating her PaPa. She is old enough to understand that her actions can cause consequences.
If she were at preschool, they would be calling her parents after they scoldled her for acting that way.
bonjour ,
notre petite fille de 17 ans c’est fâchée avec nous ,elle est très moi moi,elle me cherche surtout moi sa grand-mère sur mon parti politique ,bien sur au lycée autre façon de penser ,je suis croyante elle non ses parents non plus ,elle me critique méchamment ,elle me reproche plein de choses ,pas son autre grand- mère,qui est elle plus que croyante même se montre en sainte!!!,elle me parle plus ,me regarde avec dédain ,parler avec ma fille et mon beau-fils impossible elle les mène par le bout du nez!!!!!que faire ,je ne fais que pleurer ,elle est aller dire à mes autres petites filles que fallait pas m’écouter je suis une menteuse!!!je suis dépourvue ,je ne sais comment faire mon époux est catastrophé nous l’avons élevé jusqu’au collège!!!!!
I am so sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation. We will be praying that God intercede on your behalf.
MI NIETO DE 13 AÑOS ES MUY DIFICIL VINO DE VACACIONES Y TRAS NO DARLE LOS GUSTOS Y LLAMARLE LA ATENCION POR SUS FALTAS DE RESPETO HACIA LOS MAYORES DE LA CASA ME INSULTO Y NO PIDIO DISCULPAS , AL IRSE LE DIJE QUE NO QUERIA VERLO MAS AQUI , MI HIJO ESCUCHO ESO Y NO ME DIJO NADA , NO LE EXIGIO QUE PIDIERA DISCULPAS POR SU COMPORTAMIENTO HACIA MI , SUS PADRES SON SEPARADOS Y HA TENIDO PROBLEMAS EN SU COLEGIO POR CONDUCTAS AGRESIVAS HACIA SUS COMPAÑEROS , NO SE COMO AYUDAR A MI HIJO LO ACONSEJO PERO SIGUE DANDOLE GUSTO EN TODO Y NO PARECE REACCIONAR Y DARSE CUENTA DE QUE SU HIJO TIENE PROBLEMAS , COMO PODRIA AYUDARLO? QUE PUEDO HACER ?.
Pray, pray, pray. May God give you discernment as to when to speak up about something and when to wait. May God soften the heart of your grandson toward you. May God’s presence and peace minister to your heart.